One more day of holiday gluttony

Some days I've been a total glutton.  Others, I've eaten normally but almost no days in the last 10 days have I dieted.  I'm still going to the gym - just not bothering to keep score on calories.  It's the holidays for goodness sake.  I figured a little break was due and good motivation to keep it going come Tuesday.

So to one more day of crackers & cheese, pigs in blankets, and a myriad of cakes, pies, puddings, and custards - Cheers!

Last Week

Can we all agree not to talk about it?

Went to the doc

My blood work from 4 years ago wasn't as horrific as I remembered it.  It's sitting on my desk at work right now, but the biggest issues were triglycerides, high LDL and low HDL cholesterols.  Exercise and diet should clear that up.  We'll see once the results from the latest blood work comes in.

When the doc reviewed with me last time, I thought he said that I was prediabetic, but he must have said that my soft round middle was getting me close to it.  My glucose numbers were at the upper end of normal, but it wasn't bad.  Anyway, this time they ordered up the super-glucose test.  It should be fine.

In terms of immediate feedback, my blood pressure was good.  120/70.  I was also told to just keep doing what I'm doing and not to concern myself with "carb cycling," but also that there wasn't any harm in distributing more of my calories to protein.  I was told not to concern myself with BMI or specific body fat percentages.  Just choose whole grains over refined grains, monitor your calorie consumption, etc.  Everything I already knew.  Overall, it just confirmed that I'm losing at a healthy rate doing the right things to progress and maintain once I reach my goal.

Stuff Fat Guys Can't Do #4 - Go to the doctor

I was a wee lad when my pediatrician told my mother that I was obese.  She cried.  It wasn't a surprise.  I was already spending my life in husky pants from JCPenney.  Nonetheless, the word obese strikes a chord with people.  It's one thing to be overweight, heavy, stout, chubby, or fat.  It's a-whole-nother thing to be obese.  Obese is unable to walk.  Obese is a mark of shame.  It's worse than being called a name.  It's a death sentence.

And there I was at 8 years old or so staring at the glossy handout the doctor gave us.  It had hand drawn pictures of food with avoid-good-better-best categories.  About the only thing I really learned from it is that doctors call donuts sweetbreads.  Little did I know that sweetbreads were actually something entirely different.  I didn't learn fitness.  I didn't learn healthy eating; only that doctors say that donuts are bad.  Fuck 'em.  Donuts ARE good!

Those experiences at the kid doc set the tone for my relationship with doctors for the rest of my life.  I've gone to great lengths to avoid going to the doctor.  I don't want him or her to call me obese.  I just don't want to hear the words again.  And it is (was?) getting worse.  Ever since I settled into my 30's, the doctor wants to draw blood and point out "trivial" things like high triglycerides, LDL-this, HDL-that, elevated blood pressure, and glucose readings that indicate that I'm abusing my pancreas.

I'm afflicted with debilitating seasonal allergies.  For the last 4 years I've avoided going to the doctor for allergy meds.  Instead I'll go to the CVS Minute Clinic where a nurse practitioner basically has me fill out a questionaire and writes a 'scrip for a modern antihistamine laced with speed.  It works for me.  But the ghost that haunts me is that blood work.  I don't go to the doctor because I don't want to know how much worse it's gotten.  I'm the child who hasn't studied and plays sick on the day of the test.

Well, I've done some cramming these past three months and tomorrow is my make-up exam.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't* terrified.  Here's to hoping that my numbers have improved since 4 years ago.  It's a shame that my fear kept me from establishing a baseline when I started this quest 3-4 months ago.



* weren't?  Subjunctive conjugation is sorely lacking in colloquial American English and I'm unsure if I did it correctly.  For the uninitiated:
Incorrect: "If I was smarter, I'd understand this."
Correct: "If I were smarter, I'd understand this."

Will I be able to do it today?

Today's my 36th birthday.  I didn't quite make my mini-goal that I set a few weeks ago, but I'm within a couple pounds.  In just over 3 months I'm only 2 pounds off my target rate of losing 2 pounds per week.  With my daughter's birthday, Thanksgiving, and a couple of business trips during that time, I'm calling it a win.  Still, I can't help but be mildly disappointed that I didn't hit the mini-goal.  I just remind myself that it's been 4 weeks and 8 pounds have been shed since I set the goal.  That should be good enough.

Onward.  So today is going to be challenging.  I've tried to set some realistic expectations for the day:

1. Today is a personal training day, so we did strength training.  I'm not doing cardio on my birthday if I can avoid it.  Plus I've done cardio for 13 days in a row.  I need a break.
2. I'm going to eat some junk food - White Castle & Birthday Cake.  It's gonna happen.  Oh, and burritos and wings for dinner.
3. I can still do this and come in "under budget"

Lunch: 420 Hamburger, Single, White Castle 3 Each 420 Dinner: 1127 Cake, Yellow, Vanilla Frosted 1 1/2 Pieces 358 Any'tizers, Chicken Wings, Buffalo Style, Hot 3 Pieces 230 Guacamole, Spicy 1/8 Cup 54 Pork, Shoulder, Shldr 6 Ounces 210 Salad, Baja 1/2 Each 275

Can I really stop myself at 3 White Castles?  That's my biggest challenge.  If I fail to do this, I figure I can eat 6 of them and then just get some cardio in late tonight.  The other problem is eating only 1/2 my dinner, but I think I can pull that off.

3 months, 25 pounds

Winner, Winner. Chicken Dinner.

Just did a quick breakdown...

And the more interesting bit for me was the cost per 100 grams of protein...

This is going to be harder than I thought

It turns out the Muscle Milk probably isn't one of the better protein powders out there.  There are a lot of calories that come along for the ride that aren't from protein.  Yesterday I decided to make it a goal to reach certain protein intake and that's proving very difficult and very expensive.  First I'm going to tackle the difficult part, then later, the expense.  But yesterday was a diet disaster.  I blew past my calorie target because I was lacking self-control.  I lost that control because I was obsessing over how to get these nutrient ratios and calorie restrictions reconciled.  I wound up eating what my kids left on their plates and that pushed me well over the edge.  I was going to "fix" it by going to the gym, but I was physically exhausted and my wife didn't get home from work until after 10:30pm.  Oh well.  It's just one day.

So today we don't have a plan for dinner; well, at least not one that's reasonable for a diet.  My wife is going to get subs from Primo Hoagies, and there's just no way I can make that work.  They make huge subs loaded with stuff - and they're really expensive.  I'll be damned if I'm going to just order a plain turkey sub and pay $15 for it.  It'll be egg whites for me tonight and then off to the gym after that.

I've got 2 hours of exercise planned for the night because I'm having trouble reaching my protein target without doing that.  I can't do it every day so that's where the "difficult" part comes in.  I have to model some meal plans to see where I can accomplish my goals given a set of restrictions.

Restrictions:

• Eat what's prepared at home for dinner - no watching everyone else eat a healthy meal while I drink my dinner out of blender bottle
• Eat breakfast everyday
• Eat an ice cream sandwich everyday
• Eat a "dry" hoagie from the restaurant in my office's lobby every work day (the cost is subsidized... can't beat a turkey sub for $2.50.)

Protein Failure, Meal & Fitness Plan #1 - 

• Breakfast
• 1 cup oatmeal
• 1 Tbsp Peanut Butter
• 400 calories
• Strength/Resistance Training
• 1 hour
• -250 calories
• Snack #1
• 2 scoops protein powder
• 310 calories
• Lunch
• Turkey hoagie, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, Hot Sauce
• 530 calories
• Snack #2
• 2 scoops protein powder
• 310 calories
• Dinner
• Mix & Match Baked Pasta (just a recipe I pulled from my DB that might be something like my wife would make for dinner)
• 482 calories
• Snack #3
• Ice Cream Sandwich
• 1 scoop protein powder
• 265 calories

So that gets me to a net calorie intake of 2047 - slightly above my daily target; but only 162 grams of protein.  I can't get rid of dinner.  I have to accept that I have little control over what's made, that what's made will probably be "healthy", and that I must eat it so that my wife has a reason to cook and my kids see a positive example of healthy eating.  I suppose one way I can improve here is to work with my wife to pick protein rich dinners.  That's not going to be easy, but I'll have to do it.  Let's assume that I can reduce my serving of the typical dinner to 1/2, and add in 10 ounces of boneless, skinless chicken breast (250kcal, 57.5g protein).

Improvement number 2 is going to be to cut the oatmeal down to the suggested serving of 1/2 cup, remove the peanut butter, and add 2 scoops of protein to my breakfast.  That still doesn't get me all the way there on the protein, and my net calories have risen to 2,120 - more than 100 over my daily target.

So let's scratch the extra protein shake at breakfast and instead eat 2 cups of raw egg whites.  2063kcal / 253g.  Almost there.

I suppose I'll have to give up the ice cream sandwich.  1953 / 250g.  Target aquired on calories, still need protein.

+ 2 cups of egg whites for snack #3.  Back over on calories, but cleared the protein.

-1 scoop of powder.  Still about 100 calories over, protein still achieved.

There's really only one option left that I can see.  Add 15 minutes of cardio in at the end of my lifting workout.  That'd get me the 100-200 calories of "credit" that I needed.

Revised meal plan:

• Breakfast
• 2 cups egg whites
• 1/2 cup oatmeal
• 400 calories
• Workout
• Strength/Resistance Training
• 1 hour
• -250 calories
• Elliptical
• 15 minutes
• -150 calories
• Snack #1
• 2 scoops protein powder
• 310 calories
• Lunch
• Turkey hoagie, Lettuce, Tomato, Onion, Hot Sauce
• 530 calories
• Snack #2
• 2 scoops protein powder
• 310 calories
• Dinner
• 1/2 serving of Mix & Match Baked Pasta (just a recipe I pulled from my DB that might be something like my wife would make for dinner)
• 10 ounces of chicken
• 491 calories
• Snack #3
• 2 cups egg whites
• 253 calories
• TOTAL: 2300 kcal (1900 net kcal) / 287g protein

That gives me a workable guideline for a typical strength training day.  I'll seek out better sources of whey protein too.  I know the cheap stuff at Walmart gives 52g per 280kcal vs. 32/310 for Muscle Milk.  I think I can live with this.

Why am I not gaining muscle mass?

Natalie, this one's for you.

Is there anything more discouraging than being criticized?  I love criticizing people, but I hate being critiqued. And so it's been with my nutrition.  I'm smug and I "know" that I know better.  I told my trainer as much when she first started reviewing my food logs.  I said, "Look, it's the calories.  That's how you lose weight."  That's still true.  But then I said, "If what you're saying [about protein requirements] is true, I'm going to have to learn the hard way."  And I have am.

Let's consider some numbers:

1. 34% body fat - that's where I started
2. 32% body fat - 6 weeks in
3. 31% body fat - 12 weeks in

Looks like good results to me, but it's not telling the whole story.  In that time I've lost 20-25 pounds, of which 5 pounds are lean mass.  No, not muscle put on, but muscle lost.  How can that be when I've been diligent in my training?  The answer may be protein, but I don't expect you to accept that at face value.

The USDA recommends that people get 0.8g of protein for every kilogram of the person's mass.  So, when I tipped in at 285 pounds, that's 129.5kg.  That means I'd need 104 grams of protein a day just to maintain my then-current body composition.  The protein is used to replace nails, skin, hair, organ & muscle cell replacement, etc.  It's not for building additional muscle.

So how much protein does one need to build additional muscle?  ExRx.net says that endurance atheletes need 1.37g/kg*day, and that 2.2g/kg*day was "barely sufficient" during moderate intensity weight training with needs increasing proportionally to training intensity.  2.0g to 2.6g "are required for periods of very intense weight training".  I'm not clear on how those periods are defined, but I'm assuming it means the training period and not just the days that one lifts.

I figured the right number for me is probably 2.4g/kg*day.  Doing that alone is a piece of cake (or maybe I should've said steak).  Doing that while losing weight?  Ridiculously difficult.  Here's why:

To lose two pounds per week, I need a 1000 calorie daily deficit.  Currently, that gives me about 2000 calories to work with each day.  With protein's energy value of 4 kcal per gram and a current need of 284g, I've got a daily sunk cost of 1136 calories.  And that's if I had some magic source of pure protein.

Just one unrealistic ways to get to 284 grams of protein: Eat just a hair over 3 pounds of boneless, skinless chicken breast.

That'd give me 1240 calories, leaving me a scant 700 or so for anything else.  I could toss in a bowl of oatmeal in the morning.  300 calories, 40 of which come from protein (allowing me to save a bit on the bird).  Maybe I could make a sandwich with some of that chicken for lunch.  After I try fitting a pound of chicken on two slices of bread, I'd be adding another 200 calories for that.  Repeat for dinner, add in some low calorie vegetables and my day is complete.

Alternately, I could use other sources of lean protein, protein powders, or even not-so-lean protein.  I just have to account for the additional fat & carbs found in any of the possible choices.

But man cannot live on protein alone.  You need carbohydrates and fat for energy (among other things).  In fact, if you're not getting enough carbs, your body is going to break down those proteins into glucose so you can keep on living.  And that defeats the purpose of getting all that protein to begin with.  There's got to be a way to make this work.  The key is exercise, but not just any exercise...

You need to do your weight training to tear and stimulate the muscle.  You need protein to repair and build the muscle.  And you need cardio to burn some calories, which will come from the fat you've conveniently got stored away.  To burn that fat, you need to start the fire with some carbohydrate kindling.  You take the calorie credit for the exercise you are doing and you feed yourself the energy sources based on that.

Rough numbers: 2000 sedentary calorie budget - 1200 for protein + 700 for 60 minutes of daily cardio = 1500 calories of fat and carbs.

This is what I'm doing at least for the next 6 weeks, holidays be damned.  I'll make a new post when the time comes to share my results.

Oh, and how have I been doing with my protein thus far?  I made a chart for that!  Negative numbers mean that I'm below target.  If my analysis above is correct, the answer to the titular question is obvious.  It just took me some time to realize it.

Calling my shot

Tomorrow I shall weigh-in with a new lowest low.  I can just feel it.

Stuff Fat Guys Can't Do #3 - Breathe

Inhale.  Exhale.  Repeat.  Most people rightfully take this for granted.  Not fat guys.  The heavier I am, the more conscious I am of my breathing.  I first noticed it... err... was first made aware of it by a young woman who lived on the same floor as me at my first college dorm.  A handful of newly-acquainted residents and I were somewhere crowded (party? small concert?  I dunno...) when Milena turned to me and requested that I stop breathing on her neck.  I was just standing there, the same as everyone else.  I didn't think I was breathing heavy - truthfully, I'm still not sure that I was - but I must have been releasing a jet stream of warm carbon dioxide directly onto her hairy neck.  I became very self-conscious and the harder I attempted to breathe more softly, the harder I started to breathe.  It's ingrained in my brain forever.  In any close quarters - elevators, concerts, the stretching room in The Haunted Mansion - I hold my breath as long as possible. If I need to exhale, I deflect it into my hand like I've just finished off a bag of Funyuns before a date.

Heavy breathing is fine when you're doing something where exertion is to be expected.  Run any distance and huffing-and-puffing is ok.  Picking up the keys you dropped, not so much.  Not-so-fat people just breathe.  Their heart rate doesn't skyrocket just by carrying in the mail.  But the tubbier among us know that doing anything can make you breathe heavier, and people are listening.  They can hear you breathe, and if you stand too close, they can feel it too.

If breathing when awake weren't tough enough, consider what happens when the porkers among us breathe at night - or rather don't breathe.  Sleep apnea.  It started with my wife complaining nightly that I snored.  I blamed it on my seasonal allergies.  That wasn't just an excuse at first.  I legitimately get really congested from April-June and again for a shorter time in the fall.  But my snoring was continuing past the allergy season.  I was snoring every night.

My own snoring would start to wake me because my snoring wasn't really snoring at all; it was apnea.  I'd wake up gasping for air.  I'd lie awake scared absolutely shitless that I was about to die.  I'd worry myself to the point of insomnia.  So I'd head downstairs and eat my worries away.  Nothing like a full belly with lots of milk and carbs to lull me back into a quasi-coma.

Once I fell back asleep it would happen again - only this time my mouth would be filled with vomit because all the food I ate sat in my belly, churned in my stomach acid and stressed open my esophageal sphincter.  The apnea would cause my insides to convulse and I'd be greeted with a cottage cheese-laden mouthful of vomit.  Ain't nothin' pleasant about choking and then not being able to breathe until you can bolt to the toilet to spew out your shame.

I think I'm out of the woods now with any serious sleep apnea, but if you see me tight-lipped and turning red in close quarters, encourage me to exhale.  I promise I wasn't eating Funyuns.

Losin' It!

I was kidding yesterday when I said that I wanted to poop out 5 pounds, but somehow the scale "caught up" this morning.  I'm down 4 more pounds and back on track!  I didn't take any drastic steps, despite threatening to do so in earlier posts.  I just stuck to my calorie budget and exercised enough so that I could eat without feeling like I was depriving myself.  Yesterday I ate over 3000 calories (but put 2 hours in at the gym.  1 lifting, 1 cardio).

Just ordered a new scale

Because clearly the problem is with the other 4 scales I have access to.

That's f***ing horses***

1 pound.  F. U.

I better poop out 5 pounds today.

An ugly week forthcoming

I'm probably going to not be pleasant come Wednesday.  I'm cutting additional calories from my diet this week - beyond the 2 pound/week rate.  I need to kick my own ass a bit more here.  It's been a few weeks of little inconsistent losses.  I'd like to see some dramatic results on the scale just to get back on target.  I still think that tomorrow when I weigh-in I should be at or around my loss target.

Anticipation. An tiss ih pay yay shun

Is making me wait.

On another biz trip, but so far I'm knocking this diet out of the park. I can't wait to get home and find a scale so I can see the result of how well I've done.

My numbers have been screwed up for a couple weeks now. Partly because my diet has been not as good as it should, but mostly because there was someone tinkering with the scale at the gym and I decided to switch my daily weigh-ins to Wii Fit.

I predict that when I weigh myself on Sunday, I'm going to see a big drop down below that blue line on my progress chart.  Here's to hoping!

At the airport again

I thought I'd do the right thing and pack some protein powder to "eat" for meals where there aren't good choices - airports, continental breakfasts, etc. And for my good deed, I managed to get stopped by security for having a prodigious pack of peculiar powder.  They didn't seem to care about the substantial traces of pool chemicals all on my person

Before & After - 2 months

The pic below is actually 3 months apart, but I all I did was eat from August through September.

BTW... You know what's nasty?

Adding protein powder to oatmeal.  Blech.  As if oatmeal weren't texturally unappealing enough, this was like someone sprinkled an ultra-fine grain of sand into it.  Not pleasing in any way.

Regaining Control

I've lost control of my diet.  Between the wedding and the business travel, I've set myself up poorly for Thanksgiving (and more business travel the week after).  I let that loss of control lead me to the Halloween candy trough where I buried my snout and stuffed my face.  The more I write on this blog, the more I wonder if I've got an eating disorder.

Still, I'm back on track today.  One day at a time and all that stuff.  I make the best choices when I plan them out in advance.  I really need to develop a strategy for what to do when I'm hungry, and I need to do that when I'm not hungry.  I know the drill... "keep healthy snacks handy" but I just lost the will power for a bit to even be able to follow that advice.

I figure giving myself a more tangible short-term goal might motivate me to do well, so I've made a mini-goal for myself of losing another 10 pounds by my birthday - exactly 30 days from today.  To do this I'll be hitting the gym every day again and I'll need to stop eating all the additional calories I expend there. <crosses fingers>

Flying Blind

I'm out in California for work.  No scale.  Dinner out at a restaurant every night.  I have no diet measurement for my meals.  I'm making sensible choices, but I have no idea what a plate of chicken fajitas is in terms of calories.  I figure it can't be that bad.  No cheese, grilled white meat & vegetables, some rice, and a side of beans (not refried beans).  It seemed pretty healthy, but I don't know if I should call it 1500 calories (like fajitas at Applebee's) or 800 calories (like fajitas at Chevy's).  I'm just flying blind.

Sweet Jesus, I will never drink again

I went to Staten Island.  I tested all the vodka.  All of it.  I used it to preserve some olives.  Probably close to 24 olives... I lost count.

Drinking that much ruined my progress for days.  First, there are the calories in the alcohol.  Then there's the hangover and the food you eat to help you feel better.  No significant exercise during that time either.  Even two days later I still felt like crap and my workout was seriously compromised.

I won't even tell you what the scale said when I got on Monday morning.  Seriously, it was so bad that I'm convinced the scale was broken and if not, then it was just violating the laws of physics.

Don't drink and diet.  Just don't do it.  A beer that's planned and accounted for on the weekend?  Fine.  One. Beer. Just don't get smashed.  It's hardly worth it in "normal" life, but just forget about it if you're losing weight; well, that or forget about losing weight.

Going to a wedding

I'm going to a wedding tomorrow.  I'm not sure if I want to stick to my diet while I'm there or if I just want to let loose.  I'm sure I can eat reasonably well, but the open bar is going to kill me.  Maybe I can offset it with some exercise.

Angry Eating

I'm pissed at something that was beyond the control of all involved, and since it's dinnertime, I'm hungry.  REALLY hungry.  And I'm brooding.  Anger is one of my big food-binge triggers.  I get so angry that I start eating whatever I want and no one will tell me otherwise.  I get angry at myself for eating like that and I just eat some more.  I'm scowling right now.  If I weren't home alone with the kids, I'd take some of this negative energy to the gym and just work it out.  Instead, I'm posting here and getting angrier at little stuff.  I'm angry that there aren't a lot of good food choices in the house right now (there probably are, but I'm blinding myself).  I'm angry that I'm going to have to drink protein shakes to reach my calorie goal instead of a beer.  I'm angry that I'm on a diet because I haven't had the self-control to eat normal portion sizes my whole life.  I'm just angry.  And hungry.  Go piss off while I drink this gritty, artificially sweetened, excessively saccharine chocolate peanut butter drink that's nothing more than powdered Ensure.

Not quite as menacing as I feel.  Channeling 70's TV, I think to myself, "You wouldn't like me when I'm angry."

Plateau. There. I said it.

I've avoided saying it thus far.  I don't like to think that I'm on some sort of diet plateau, but take a look at the chart.  In the last 2 weeks (since 10/22), my weight pretty much hasn't changed.  What gives?  Well, for starters I changed my diet.  I'm eating tons more protein.  But I might also be slacking a little.  If you look at the calorie chart, I've been eating a little more.  Also, I think I'm not coming back from my workouts as sweaty as I did in the beginning.  The exercises seem to be getting easier... at least the cardio.  Tonight I decided to push it a bit more.  I bumped up the resistance on the elliptical, so we'll see how it goes over the next few weeks.

Trash Pickin'

A fat man I once knew told me a story.  His wife forbid him from eating the fat and gristle from the steaks they ate all too often.  On steak nights he'd throw a piece of foil into the trash.  Then he'd clean off the table and cast all those scraps onto the conveniently top-foiled garbage.  He'd give the appearance of smushing down the garbage and clandestinely wrap the beefy bits in the heavy duty foil.  He'd take the garbage out and I'm sure you've figured out the rest - he'd stand outside in the dark and wolf down the greasy "garbage" out of sight from his wife's watchful eyes.  He told the story to me and another gentleman of size expecting empathy.  He got none.

All I asked him was, "Was it worth it?"

Whenever I'm having trouble with my diet or don't feel like going to the gym, I think of the garbage picker.  If I decide to binge eat; if I decide to laze about on the couch; if I decide that I just can't do it anymore, I ask myself that simple question - if I choose gluttony; if I choose sloth; if I choose acedia, is it worth it?

I so want to eat this right now

And it's kinda gross because my son ate the other 80% and this is all slobbery and melty.

Stuff Fat Guys Can't Do #2 - Sit in rows B or E when flying

I have to fly next week.  I'm stuck with a middle seat.  Hopefully Barbara Billingsley* has the aisle.  The seats on airplanes are notoriously small.  I can fit between the armrests, but when I'm in the middle, I occupy both of them.  It's not pleasant for anyone involved.  If I kept going along my previous trajectory, I wouldn't have fit for much longer.

I'm in 21B. You can send flowers to 21A & 21 C.

When my wife travels with me, it's not a problem.  As long as we're sitting together, she sits in the middle and I spill over into the window area or the aisle.  Monday is going to be uncomfortable.  I can't imagine the people sitting next to me are going to have much sympathy if I were to explain to them that I'm trying not to be a fat-ass.  I'll just have to put a couple good movies on my tablet and try to ignore the embarrassment.

When you can't (or barely) fit in the seat, the seat belt is another problem.  There's the fear and anxiety that you're going to have to press the call button and ask for an extender.  So far, I haven't reached that level, but I swear every time I go on a plane, I think that they might shorten the belts to save a buck.  The extender isn't the only problem.  When you hit the seat's upper (outer?) limits, you have to plan carefully how you sit, lest you sit on the belt.  Airplanes are so full of shame - and jive-talking grandmothers.


* Shit, she's dead.

Donuts, Donuts Everywhere

There have been an excessive number of donuts in my house in the last 3 days.  I think it's over 2 dozen.

F*** THIS F***ING PROTEIN DIET

Folks, there's a reason for carbohydrates.  A reason that goes beyond calories.  It's poop; and I haven't had a significant movement since Wednesday.  Also since Wednesday my diet has been heavily weighted towards protein.  I can't blame my weight gain / no loss entirely on the protein, but it's been a significant factor in both poop retention and in leading me to eat too many calories.

I know I'm biased towards my pre-determined conclusion, but my colon tells it true.  This is bullshit.

Stuff Fat Guys Can't Do #1 - Ride Rollercoasters

Want to strike fear into the heart of a fat man?  Buy him a ticket to an amusement park.  I guarantee that he'll claim that he doesn't like rides anymore.  An amusement park is the #1 most embarrassing place to go.  We've gotten to a point that there are actually test seats in front of the queues so you can see if you'll fit.  It's a size-wise for your ass.  But you'll almost never see a big dude try one.  Most of the time the seats are occupied by children who are too short or scared for the ride posing for pictures.  The fat man knows that if he scares off the kids to test the seat out that everyone nearby has cameras and once he sits, he's there for all to see.  He's featured front-and-center, right below the big "ENTER HERE (estimated wait 120 minutes)" sign.  So he'll make a choice:  Lie to his friends about a newly acquired motion sickness, or wait the two hours and pray that he'll make it on without being publicly and (un-?)ceremoniously ejected from the ride as hundreds of onlookers gawk and point.

Depending on how fat you are and where you carry that weight, you might not be excluded from every ride.  How will you explain your sudden fear of coasters after you've made it onto the steel looper, but don't want to try the old wooden out-n-back racer?  Who'll believe your affinity for the sea lion show as you skulk away from the inverted coaster?  You see, there are a small number of restraint types each with different body restrictions.  Just ask your sumo-sized buddies - none of the seats are comfortable and all of them are embarrassing.

Take the classic wooden racer - Cyclone (Coney Island), Rolling Thunder (Six Flags Great Adventure), Comet (Hersheypark) or any other wooden coaster made by the Philadelphia Toboggan Company.  They all use the same seat.  It's 15" wide, pad-to-pad.  Even for the newly obese this is tough to fit in.  Assuming you can squeeze your posterior into the compartment, you've still got the nipple-high lap bar to contend with.  And speaking of lap bars, they're almost always set with 1 bar for 2 people.  Two of us fatties can't fit in the same car shoulder-to-shoulder.  That means our svelte companion rides without adequate restraints.

(Dutch Wonderland - August 2012)
My daughter and I in a PTC train car.
I'm not sitting sideways for the picture - it's the only way my dumper fits.

(Also, I had to actually lift my belly over the lap bar so it would
close below my nipples and my daughter's head.)

Then there are the over-the-shoulder (OTS) restraints.  For a fat guy the bottom doesn't reach his belly button.  It looks and feels more like a horizontal, horseshoe-shaped dog collar.  With the inverted coasters, the OTS restraints need to be buckled between your legs.  The first time I experienced theme park anxiety is when the belt didn't reach.  It took 2 grown men to bounce into the restraint as I exhaled to get the belt clipped in.

And once you experience that, the entire park becomes off-limits.  Too fat for the coasters.  Too ashamed to even try the carnival rides.  But hey, the concession stand is always open.  You guys go ride.  I'm too motion sick from the carousel.  Is that the Manfred Mann Earth Band tribute band I hear playing?  I'll check them out and go get us some funnel cakes for when you're off the ride.  No really, I don't mind waiting a couple hours while you have fun.  Go on, get going.  I'll hold your stuff!

Falling off the rails

Last week my diet fell off the rails a bit.  I tried to increase my protein intake and decrease my carbohydrate intake.  My body hasn't responded very well, or is still adjusting.  Most nights I was hungry and let it get the best of me.  Looking back on my food log, it appears that I was more than 1000 calories over for the week. That *should* translate to a weight loss of 1-1.5 pounds instead of 2 pounds.  In reality, it meant I gained a pound.  I was honest in my food logs, so it must be just an over-estimation of how much I burn during workouts.

Some of this is also just normal fluctuation, but I do not like the trend I'm seeing on the chart.  For weeks it was a steady up/down on my dailys.  Last week it leveled off and just started gradually curving upwards.

Hurricane Sandy has cancelled my business trip and my PT appointment, but I'm about to head to the gym anyway.  I've got to get some movement in today before the storm gets really bad.  Now that I don't need to salivate over a Double-Double, I'm taking this week and sticking to my food calorie limits with no credit for exercise.  It's time for a market correction, so to speak.

Wish me luck!

In-N-Out Burger, Business Meals, & Free Cookies

Next week I'm going to California for work.  I'm staying at a hotel that gives out free cookies (but does not involve two trees).  And that hotel is right across the street from an In-N-Out.  Some of you on the good coast might not know about In-N-Out, but let me try to explain it to you.  Imagine what McDonald's would've been if Ray Kroc decided to sell cars instead of milkshake machines.  Too obscure?  Ok, imagine Chick-Fil-A and Wendy Thomas had to raise Tim Horton's baby.  That baby would sell hamburgers, expand slowly, treat its employees well, use high(-er) quality ingredients, and put biblical references on cup rims.  A guy named Donny turned me onto the place.  My favorite thing about the place is the simplicity of its menu.  It's absolute fast-food perfection.

So I'll be working all day, having dinner and a few drinks with colleagues, and then settling down with a good burger and some free cookies.  This will happen all 4 nights (or more, if I can't make it through lunch).  It's got FAT WEEK written all over it.  Oh, and I'll be doing this once a month for the next 6 months or so.

At least that's what would've happened if I hadn't made a commitment to fitness.  Sure, I'm not going to leave Cali without a burger; and yes, I'll be eating out every night and I'll be socially and professionally compelled to have a drink.  But I'll plan for it.  I'll make it to the hotel gym in the mornings, and I'll stay near my target calorie intake.

And if the In-N-Out bURGEr strikes, I blame Donny.  Shut the fuck up, Donny.

 

TMI

Also, my farts smell REALLY BAD right now.

Is it still Cooking Light if you eat 3 servings?

I don't typically post anything to the blog about feeling satisfied; but when I'm hungry, writing a post helps me wait for my brain to catch up to my stomach.

This is one of those posts.

Today's been a pretty good day for macronutrients. 25% fat, 35% carbohydrates, and 40% protein.  Calorie distribution hasn't been bad either.  987 for breakfast, 530 for lunch, and 690 for dinner.  No early morning/late night binges.  I lifted weights in the morning.  I made sure to get a fair amount of carbohydrates before the workout.  After the workout, it was 450 calories from protein powder/shake.  Lunch was a hoagie w/ no cheese.  No worries about mayo; I hate the stuff.

So dinnertime came around and I'm hungry, but no more than usual.  Tonight's dinner is a beef stir-fry.  The recipe is from Cooking Light.  It's almost entirely beef.  I ate all that we had - 3 servings.  So why am I still so hungry?  I'm sure that most of it is in my head, but what isn't?

My strategy is to load up on calorie free liquids throughout the night and otherwise occupy myself with stuff... like writing a blog post about being hungry.

Feeling weak

That cold really kicked my ass.  I took a few days off from exercising, but tried to stick with my diet.  I had some mixed success with that.  On the bright side, my weight is down 14 lbs since I started logging.  Even with that encouraging news, I'm totally spent right now.  I binged (again) last night, and tried to pay it off through seriously constricting my calorie intake today.  Then to top it off, I had to burn a few hundred calories, and didn't get to do it until 10:30-11:30pm.  I feel sick to my stomach from the exercise.  This can't become a habit.

Short food summary:
Late night Gremlin binge (feeding after midnight): 1803 kcal
Breakfast: 0 kcal
Lunch: 540 kcal
Dinner: 350 kcal

It was no carbs after lunch, and even for lunch the only significant carbs were in the wrap/tortilla... and THEN I followed those no-easy-energy meals with the elliptical for 55 minutes.  Ugh.

Today's progress chart:

Making progress...

... but paying the price.  Look at the net kcal vs food kcal bars today

Day 3 of The Head & Chest Cold

2 days in a row of no exercise.  I can't sleep at night because of my congestion, I can't exercise early in the morning because I've been up all night, and by evening I'm too tired to from all the mouth-breathing and lack of sleep that I don't get to the gym.

On the bright side, I'm still staying under my calorie limits because eating isn't giving me much pleasure when my sense of taste and smell are severely reduced.  Did I mention the nausea from nasal drip?  MmMmMm MmmMMmMmm  GOOD!

It's also another cake-day here.  Happy birthday to my daughter!

One month in & I hate Burpees

Well, I'm one month into my fitness program.  Well, at least since I've been keeping logs.  For the first 2-3 weeks I was just trying to form an exercise habit without worrying about results.  Take a look at how I've done...

Not bad, right?  That's 11 pounds in 4 weeks.  If you're counting the actual days, yesterday was really a month, but I didn't make it to the gym.  I caught a cold from my kids.  It's worse today, but I went to the gym anyway.  I had an appointment with my personal trainer.  God bless accountability.

Today's gym session wasn't my greatest.  It was lower body AIT training.  I have no idea what AIT stands for, but it probably sounds less daunting than KYHRUUYASDTYFLYWPO (Keep Your Heart Rate Up Until You Are So Dizzy That You Feel Like You Will Pass Out).  I can't remember exactly what we did, but today's routine looked something like this:

• Do this circuit 3 times:
• Jumping Jacks (30 seconds)
• Step-Ups (30 seconds)
• Burpees a/k/a Squat Thrusts (10 reps)
• Do this circuit 3 times:
• Weighted Squats (15 reps)
• Leg Extensions (15 reps)
• Deadlifts (15 reps)
• Run.
• Alternating Lunges (20?  30?)
• More Burpees
• Calf Raises
• This thing where I step on and off the bench 20 times while holding dumbells
• Wall Squat holds with weight

Somewhere after the run my mind went fuzzy from my heart rate, lack of blood sugar, and the cold.  And this was one of those days where I was taking it relatively easy because I'm sick.  I don't mind doing any of those exercises except for the burpees.  Those suck the life out of you.  Seriously, they make me feel like an instant failure, but I suppose I'll just get better.

Decision to see a Personal Trainer

Shortly after I moved (back) to NJ, a gym opened around the corner.  I know this because it was right next to the cupcake bakery and easily visible from the Wawa across the street.  I'd never been to a gym.  I don't know the proper way to lift weights.  There's probably mountains of quality, free information on the 'net and in the library.  In nearly 36 years, I haven't read a page of it.

I occasionally surfed to the local gym's website.  They offered a free sales pitch personal training consultation.  There wasn't a single event that got me to fill out the form.  I didn't hit "rock bottom" in the same way an alcoholic might; nonetheless, I filled out the form.

I went to the consultation.  Sure, it was designed to get me to sign up, but it wasn't the hard sell and never-ending contract that I expected.  It involved some measuring, some fitness tests, and yes, some sales pitching.  The test put it down on paper for me.  Black and white. Man In the Mirror.  Beat It.  Wait, no.  That's Michael Jackson.  I was in bad shape and probably set a high score for body fat percentage.

I decided to sign up, not just for the gym, but for the training.  I need the accountability.  I can count to 15 on my own, and look up routines, but a trainer teaches me proper form, designs my workouts, and makes the time I spend in the gym more efficient.  A trainer pushes me when I'd otherwise take it easy.  But it's keeping the appointment and knowing that I have to have already gotten in my cardio when I get there that gives me the accountability.

So now I've got a fitness plan.  I show up, do what I'm told, and by the time the pool is in, I should be ready to show off my stretch marks.

Finding the time

One of the hardest things about getting motivated to start going to a gym was finding the time.  I knew I had the time, but it wasn't consistently available.  I have 2 always-available times - before everyone wakes up, and after the kids go to bed.  My kids can be a handful at night.  It's mentally exhausting, and after a trying night with them, any hope of using the exercise bike in the basement (prior to joining a gym) just evaporated.

I mostly go to the gym in the morning, but not this morning.  Last night I was awake until 3am doing some past-due paperwork for my job.  There was no way I was waking up at 2 hours later to get some cardio in.  Yet I knew that I had to find the time today.  The first available time I had to go was after 10pm.

Sometimes, you just gotta find the time.

* Edited to add: In case it wasn't clear, I found the time tonight... and now I'm hungry.

Calculating your daily calorie needs

There are 1000 diets out there and every single one of them boils down to one simple fact: To lose weight, you must consume fewer calories than you burn.  It's the one and only true answer.  What differs between diets is how you accomplish that.  The man behind the curtain in all of it is determining how many calories you burn.  There's no perfectly accurate way to do this... at least not any reasonable way.  But we do have some research and formulas available to us.  But before we get there, allow me to state the obvious.

A Birthday Party

Quick post... Yesterday was my father's birthday.  I "failed" with respect to calories, but I still didn't do so badly.  Whenever I go to Mom's house, there's a chance I forgot to count something.  I'm not updating my calories in real-time there, and it'd be rude to ask Mom exactly how she prepared stuff.  So the rundown:

My Inspiration, Part 3

My daughter is about to turn 6.  She just started Kindergarten this September.  For her 5-year-old checkup the doctor told me what I didn't want to hear - my daughter's height & weight put her at a statistically higher risk for obesity and therefore the diseases that go along with it.  Doc's advice was to not worry too much, cut back on her juice and be sure to get her involved in daily physical activity.

Now you wouldn't look at her and think that she's fat.  I doubt you'd even call her "pleasantly plump."  She's just large compared to her peers.  You might have even dismissed the doctor's warning.  But I was worried.  I was worried of a lifetime of teasing.  Of being picked last.  Of self-hate.  Of never ending anxiety.  Of failing as a father to set a good example - or worse, enabling it all to happen.

Not the body I imagine as "at risk" for obesity

My fears didn't paralyze me.  That would just be an excuse.  But I didn't really do much to help.  All I did was cut back the juice, try to encourage healthful eating, and play outside as often as the weather allowed.  No, that's a lie.  That's what my wife did.  I poured juice, justified junk food, and taught her how to play Nintendo.  And to top it off, I led by example.

Now her 6-year-old checkup is on coming up fast, and just like when you eat healthfully in the days leading up to your own checkup, I needed to start setting a better example... but I'm still a sucker for Mario.

Good Morning!

Woo hoo!  I made it through the night & didn't binge!  My kids are sick and sleeping, so I think I'll go hit the gym before the day gets underway.

Pizza Night & Exercise Calorie Credit

I did it again last night.  I woke up and binged... on ricotta cheese and cold leftovers.  I had a solid amount of calories at dinner yesterday, too.  482 for the Mix & Match Pasta Bake that my wife made, and 480 via scoops of protein powder.  I think the poor breakfast just caught up with me.  Tonight I've just got to stay asleep.

We haven't eaten dinner yet (7pm, at the moment), and I'm pretty hungry.  It's pizza night, and I've only got enough room in the calorie budget for one slice - two slices if I take the exercise calorie deduction.  Not fun at all right now.

My inspiration, Part 2

I was asked by a close friend to be his child's godfather.  I was honored.  I still am honored; but I was also anxious.  I knew that this meant being in pictures.  In a suit.  In front of everyone.  I didn't have a suit that fit, but I had plenty of time.  Surely I was just going to lose some weight to fit back into the old suit starting tomorrow.  Yeah, tomorrow.  Always tomorrow.  I waited for so many tomorrows that it was 2 days before the baptism before I decided to go look for a new suit.  Before George Zimmer started guaranteeing that I'd like the way I look, he used to sell his suits by talking about businessmen being able to get the clothes they needed very quickly.  He was the Domino's Pizza of suits.

I thought for sure that I was going to be laughed out of Men's Wearhouse when they took the tape to my chest and waist.  And when I walked in wearing a pair of cargo shorts and a polo, no one even looked at me.

Today's food

At some point in the future, I'll show you how I'm calculating my calorie allowances and how I use that data to check that those amounts are working correctly.  I haven't figured out how often I'm going to review the data and make adjustments, but I digress.

Let's look at how I did today:

My inspiration, Part 1

Back in May, my above ground pool busted.  I hated that pool.  It was an eyesore in the yard and a pain in the ass to take care of.  I couldn't have been happier that it broke.  But my wife and children wanted to swim.  By June we secured a HELOC, July we had a contract for an in-ground pool, August we had the permit submitted, and finally started construction this month.  Once I inked the deal, we were talking of pool parties and family swim time.  I don't mind taking a private dip in the pool, but the thought of baring my giant hairy gut in front of guests brings me enormous shame and embarrassment.

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