Stuff Fat Guys Can't Do #4 - Go to the doctor

I was a wee lad when my pediatrician told my mother that I was obese.  She cried.  It wasn't a surprise.  I was already spending my life in husky pants from JCPenney.  Nonetheless, the word obese strikes a chord with people.  It's one thing to be overweight, heavy, stout, chubby, or fat.  It's a-whole-nother thing to be obese.  Obese is unable to walk.  Obese is a mark of shame.  It's worse than being called a name.  It's a death sentence.

And there I was at 8 years old or so staring at the glossy handout the doctor gave us.  It had hand drawn pictures of food with avoid-good-better-best categories.  About the only thing I really learned from it is that doctors call donuts sweetbreads.  Little did I know that sweetbreads were actually something entirely different.  I didn't learn fitness.  I didn't learn healthy eating; only that doctors say that donuts are bad.  Fuck 'em.  Donuts ARE good!

Those experiences at the kid doc set the tone for my relationship with doctors for the rest of my life.  I've gone to great lengths to avoid going to the doctor.  I don't want him or her to call me obese.  I just don't want to hear the words again.  And it is (was?) getting worse.  Ever since I settled into my 30's, the doctor wants to draw blood and point out "trivial" things like high triglycerides, LDL-this, HDL-that, elevated blood pressure, and glucose readings that indicate that I'm abusing my pancreas.

I'm afflicted with debilitating seasonal allergies.  For the last 4 years I've avoided going to the doctor for allergy meds.  Instead I'll go to the CVS Minute Clinic where a nurse practitioner basically has me fill out a questionaire and writes a 'scrip for a modern antihistamine laced with speed.  It works for me.  But the ghost that haunts me is that blood work.  I don't go to the doctor because I don't want to know how much worse it's gotten.  I'm the child who hasn't studied and plays sick on the day of the test.

Well, I've done some cramming these past three months and tomorrow is my make-up exam.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't* terrified.  Here's to hoping that my numbers have improved since 4 years ago.  It's a shame that my fear kept me from establishing a baseline when I started this quest 3-4 months ago.



* weren't?  Subjunctive conjugation is sorely lacking in colloquial American English and I'm unsure if I did it correctly.  For the uninitiated:
Incorrect: "If I was smarter, I'd understand this."
Correct: "If I were smarter, I'd understand this."